Tussle with Magic

When you heal from trauma and begin to move through life you must get realigned with new way of dealing with life’s “upsets”.

I had some tussle last night  with this new alignment . My day yesterday started with an unnecessary walking chaotic persona that I realized was so ungrounded that he made issues appear to be able to play the hero in his own chaos.

Then someone who I like very much disappointed me in a task I felt he should have been more than prepared to troubleshoot. I fought, somewhat unsuccessfully, the need to break down why it was unacceptable he fell into this quandary and it was not anyones' responsibility but his to solve it as the “expert”. I had to fight the fixer in me and release to the universe that he would have to problem solve and perhaps I will assist if I am able but my plate was already full. I mean how selfish of me to take over and take away the possibility of his moment to shine . My fear of chaos had to be less than someone’s chance to shine, these are the moments of humanity we share .

I tussled with this throughout the night, letting go of control that was not my responsibility to hold solely. Anxiety creeping in from fear of impending chaos and then the inability to live in it as my healing showed up  , my new reset of alignment with myself and that if I believe it will be ok , it will. No matter the outcome . It’s that simple but so impossible for me most of my life.

I know I am breaking generational trauma. I am well aware of it: How generational trauma is passed down and understanding you have broken it are the first steps but accepting it will always be a work in progress because what took eons to amass is not easily dismantled. The superpower is the awareness. Being patient and compassionate are qualities that need a chance to breathe. When you deal with anxiety from trauma you are using so many other skills sets to keep yourself in survival mode - you learn to rely on yourself solely because the people who were suppose to be loving and nurturing you just weren't capable because of their own trauma.

I've worked extremely hard to not affect others while I purge myself of the weight of the darkness of my family. I saw a number of angels throughout my day yesteday who had my back , reinforcing the universe ricochet of my love and unconditional support of others in my life. One after another they showered me with love and I woke up to another onset of messages from new and old people; I am just connected to some so intimately they knew I was doing the work and having a bit of a tussle with it at the same time.

I didn't sleep well and as the anxiety surged so did the relief. I couldn't sit in it at all, the familiarities of this cycle broken. This clarity simultaneously opened clarity on another very important issue that I've been struggling with for the last year and actually much much longer. That's how it goes - you tackle one obstacle others attached to that come falling down.

When you realize your child self was perhaps the strongest part of you all along. That nurture happens from within but when it is cradled with what's around us that's when the magic of this human life experience explodes ♥️